


Lemonade

by Not2be



Category: Frasier (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-25
Updated: 2019-05-25
Packaged: 2020-03-14 16:20:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18951685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Not2be/pseuds/Not2be
Summary: Niles goes to therapy.





	Lemonade

**Author's Note:**

> I had this idea for a story I will probably never write the rest of; I don’t imagine anyone in this tiny fandom wanting to read the whole thing. This is just a small sliver of my original idea. The basic premise is that Niles got into an abusive relationship with a man named James got out of it and eventually ended up with another guy in his building he had been friends with first for a while, Eliot. This is a session Niles has with his psychiatrist. 
> 
> Yes, it would probably be rare for a psychiatrist to do this type of talk therapy these days and Niles would probably want to see a Jungian therapist but bear with me please. 
> 
> Anyway, thank you for reading!
> 
> EDIT: I did decide to continue this story after all, It's called "Lemons and Sugar"

Niles stared at the ticking clock on the back of the wall in doctor Thompson’s office. It seemed like a bad place for it, perhaps he’d bring it up to the doctor; really the clock should be on the wall behind the patient. Of course, then the doctor would still have to be subtle when looking at it instead of his watch. While he’s at it maybe he could mention that the emerald green wallpaper in the waiting room really wasn’t-

“It seems like there’s something on your mind today, Niles.” Niles startled.

Dr. Thompson was a man with a warm smile, in his 40’s and just starting to get flecks of salt and pepper in his hair. An open file sat perched on his crossed knee, pen dangling casually in his hand. His full attention was on Niles and said patient couldn’t help but squirm a little.

“I’ve been thinking a lot lately…or perhaps not enough or maybe I have but just not rationally, then again-”

“Niles.” He interrupted gently.

“Right. Sorry.”

He responded with a kind smile. “Not a problem. Take a deep breath, try again.”

Niles looked to his hands and exhaled shakily.

“I’ve been thinking a lot about…James, recently.”

Dr. Thompson was quite waiting for Niles to continue.

“I’ve been having…fantasies. About being with him.”

“And these fantasizes are upsetting to you?”

“Wouldn’t they be to you!?”

“Maybe. But that also depends. What is the meaning you are deriving from these… _fantasies_ as you call them?”

Niles looked up at the patient psychiatrist then back down to his expensive Italian leather shoes.

“I-I think.” He picked nervously at his cuticles knowing he’d regret it later and let out another huff. Why was this so difficult. “I think I miss him.”

“Okay. What makes you say that?”

“I just.” Thompson could see Niles getting more agitated “I think about him a lot.”

“What else?”

“Isn’t that enough.”

The psychiatrist shrugged “That alone doesn’t necessarily indicate that you miss him. You’ve thought a lot about him in the past and yet this is the first time you’re bringing this concern up.”

“I think about…being with him again. And I don’t hate the idea. I mean I do hate it. It’s confusing, and I fight endlessly with myself about it but-”

“Yes?”

“I think I also want it.”

“Want what?

“To be with him again!”

“I can see this is upsetting for you.”

Niles huffed and rolled his eyes. He hated it when his psychiatrist therapized at him.

“I don’t need you to do the thing at me.”

“The thing?”

“Yes, the thing. I know all the lines and tricks remember? If I wanted that I could just recite affirmations in the mirror, ask ‘ _how does that make you feel’_ and ‘ _tell me about your mother’_. It’d save me a lot of money.”

“Well good, then I don’t need to tell you that your deflecting.”

“Sorry.”

“How’s your relationship with Eliot going?”

“Great. Really great.”

“I’m sensing a “but” coming.”

“No. No but. That’s the thing. Eliot is great, I just can’t stop thinking about how I’d rather be with James.” His stomach sank and his mouth went dry. Saying it out loud made him feel even worse. He put his head in his hands morosely.

“I’m the worst. I’m finally with someone who cares about me and-” His voice caught, and he shook his head unable to finish.

“The impulse to be self destructive is not uncommon Niles, it doesn’t make you a bad person.”

Niles looked up unconvinced.

“It’s also important to remember that our feelings or fantasies are not necessarily indicative of what we truly want. We just need to figure out why your feeling this way.”

“I think this _is_ what I want. Maybe he came back into my life for a reason.”

“That reason being?”

“I don’t know. Maybe we can make it work this time.”

Thompson frowned. “And what about Eliot?”

Niles swallowed thickly. “He’d be better off.”

“Do you have any evidence of that?”

Niles gestured to himself and the room. Dr. Thompson sensed it was time to change tactics.

“Niles, what makes people stay in abusive relationships?”

“Well. There are many reasons.” Niles sat up a little straighter caught off guard and switching gears.

“Name me some.”

His mouth opened and closed a few times before he slowly started again.

“Financial reasons, lack of resources-”

“What else?”

“Some people feel trapped. Like they can’t leave even if they want too, they feel helpless.  Some people…feel like it’s what they deserve.”

“Even though you are no longer in an actual relationship with James is it possible you feel he is inescapable? Last week you used those exact words. You said you felt trapped by James still, when he showed back up. That he would never leave, and you’d spend your whole life afraid of him.”

“I… that’s not.” Niles looked flustered and lost so Dr. Thompson continued to clarify his theory.

“If you see James as inescapable might it be more…comfortable to stay than to resist.”

“Our relationship was any thing but _comfortable._ ” Niles said a little defensively.

Thompson held his hands up. “You’re right, wrong choice of words. What I’m trying to get at is that it is a common defense mechanism to convince ourselves that a bad situation is actually good.”

“Are you saying I’m lemons into lemonade-ing?” The patient scoffed.

“If you want to put it that way.”

“But I’m _not_ stuck with lemons anymore and pretending its meringue. I’m with sugar. My life is sugar and yet I want to run back to the lemons, I want to leave the lemonade to put lemon juice into a gigantic paper cut.”

“We often return to the things we know best, even if they hurt.”

“I…thought I moved on. It doesn’t make sense. No matter how familiar it is, why would I want that again. I’m happy. Or I was happy. Finally.”

“Niles. What do you want for your life?”

This was the second time he had been taken off guard in the session

“Oh. Um. I want my friends and family to be happy and healthy.”

Thompson returned the small smile Niles gave while giving his answer.

“And… I suppose I want those things for myself too. I want to be happy. To enjoy my work, and my relationships, and interests for as long as I can I suppose. I want to give good things. And I want good things.”

“And what is it you think you deserve?”

“I don’t think I deserve to be hurt if that’s what you’re getting at.”

“That’s good, but the question was not what you don’t deserve but what you believe that you do deserve.”

Niles was quite for a moment.

“Is there perhaps some dissonance between what you want and what you think you can have…what you deserve to have?”

When he was with James there was no question about what he did and did not deserve or at least not for long. James decided that for him and Niles just sort of shut off that part of his brain to cope.

“I…I don’t know.”

He felt shame bubble up in his chest.

“Well it’s something to think about before our next session.”

Niles stared off into space for a moment longer.

“Are you alright Niles?”

“Fine.” He gave a tight-lipped smile. Thompson gave him a look that clearly communicated he was not convinced.

“I can’t believe I’m so…pathetic.”

“The point is that you recognize it as destructive, this way of thinking no longer benefits you.” Thompson said leaning forward.

“But you shouldn’t shame yourself for it. You developed it at one point in order to cope. To survive. And you did. You can’t be blamed for that. Now, you just need to work on developing a more adaptive and healthy coping method.”

“Right.” The word felt hollow.

“If you need anything you have my number.” Niles felt himself nod. 

He moved numbly through the waiting room with the green wallpaper past the receptionist’s desk, through the building. He reached his car without really realizing it. He got in buckled his seat belt, put his head against the steering wheel and finally let himself cry. Because what else was there to do.


End file.
